


Protocol Briefing for Nexus visitors to Barrayar

by Gwynne



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 00:52:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwynne/pseuds/Gwynne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Admiral Stefan Vorlakial has a new job....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protocol Briefing for Nexus visitors to Barrayar

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels) in the [Bujold_Ficathon_2013](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Bujold_Ficathon_2013) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> The Guide Book To Barrayar For Confused Betans (or Escobarans, Cetagandans, Komarrans, etc).

Memo from Rear-Admiral Stefan Vorlakial

Markov – I really should know better by now. But there I was, minding my own business after the General Staff meeting, and chatting to old Vormuir about his District polo team, and next thing I know one of the Emperor’s armsmen pops up - I swear those men have special stealth shoes, you never hear them coming – and before I have time to escape I’m being congratulated on my new job. 

Protocol co-ordinator. I ask you – protocol? Protocol for the Nexus diplomatic corps. Nanny to a bunch of sex-crazed Betans and slimy Cetagandans. Not to mention those excitable Escobarans – take offence at the least little thing, they do. And the rest of them – you just can’t trust them as far as you can throw a knife at ‘em, as my dear old Grandmere used to say.

And those Komarrans aren’t much better, women in pants, I ask you. No decent woman wears pants. You see them bouncing around all over the place, disgraceful I call it. I told my wife I don’t ever want to see her wearing pants, and if she ever bought any I’d demand she took them off straight away. She asked if I was feeling frisky. Total mystery, that woman. 

So now, because of my diplomatic skills, I have to get a briefing together to teach the lunatics from the Nexus how to behave in perfectly normal social situations here on Barrayar. 

Obviously it’s no good trying to cover everything, so I’m just going to hit the high points. After all, nobody expects them to know how to behave, we just need to stop them from indulging in some of their disgusting foreign practices and lowering the tone of the place. 

Just knock it into shape for me, Markov, check the spelling and so on, before it’s sent on to the Emperor for approval. 

Rear-Admiral Stefan Vorlakial, Nexus protocol liaison officer, heavens help me. 

 

########################################

First, eating in social situations. 

This is an easy one. I remember the feasts my-grandfather-the-count used to put on. They’d carry in a few roasted cattle, maybe a couple of sheep for variety, and everyone would tuck in. My grandmere was an amazing woman: when she got her Vorfemme knife going, strong men would stand well back. She could carve up a beast like a surgeon, only with the opposite aim, if you get what I mean. Honed her technique – and her knife – on Cetagandans, they say. 

As for that vat meat business, sounds ridiculous to me. How can you know what you’re eating if it all comes out of some factory? Might as well eat vegetables and be done with it. But for some reason the Nexus Nellies get all fussed about a decent bit of meat, so just reassure them that all the meat, and even the fish, served at diplomatic functions is some vat meat rubbish. And the correct procedure is to put it in your mouth, chew and swallow. 

Some idiot asked me about something called vegetarian options at a Residence banquet. I told him the gardens were outside, feel free to chew on anything he fancied. Honestly, how do those people walk around without hurting themselves? No idea of the real world, truly. 

As for the drinking – well, I’m pleased to say that most of us are still maintaining the proper traditions here. Any decent formal meal will include several toasts – at least a dozen or so to be polite, twice that whenever possible, and anyone with any manners will drain the glass for each one. As for public drunkenness, well the rules of good behaviour are pretty clear here too. It’s considered bad form to throw up before the host does. And anyone with a sense of decency will make it to a window, a balcony or a potted plant in time. No crawling or passing out before the meal is finished, or if it’s a ball a gentleman is expected to get through the first few dances at least, after all the wife expects a turn on the floor. Not a good idea to disappoint the little ladies, they can get remarkably snippy. Nobody wants to face an icy glare at the breakfast table next morning. 

Speaking of dancing, a diplomat is expected to be able to take a turn on the floor without disgracing himself. Or herself, since some places actually send women as diplomats – I ask you, how can a woman be as diplomatic as a man? Although I suppose they’re good at being sneakily manipulative, which is just about the same thing. Anyway, a diplomat needs to know how to dance. And on Barrayar, that means with a partner, of the opposite gender, and all clothes stay on. I’ve seen what they call dancing in some of those disgusting bars on Beta, and I blush just thinking about it. Speaking of Betans, just make sure before you ask one to dance that it’s the opposite of whatever you are. Those people have far too many options. 

Which brings us to clothing. General rule, anything that wobbles or dangles should be decently covered at all times. I don’t know how people from some of those worlds out there get any work done, I mean how do you concentrate when every time you look up you see – well, far more than any proper person wants to. I’ll say one thing for the Cetagandans, they may be murderous untrustworthy scum, but at least they cover themselves properly when they go out in public. Although putting some of the women in those bubbles seems a bit of overkill, to me. Mind you, it must be nice and quiet, with the little woman locked up safely like that. Although I suppose they have to let them out now and then. Anyway, just tell them all to wear something they won’t trip over, that keeps them properly covered. And go easy on the paint – what with the Cetas and their face paint, and Betans with their body paint, a man starts to wonder if he’s going to go home from each public event looking like he’s been attacked by a feral signwriter. Bump into a few people and you look like you’re wearing camouflage for a security detail in the Residence flower gardens in the middle of Spring.

Frankly, the simplest rule for clothing is to wear a nice, sensible uniform. Man always knows where he is with a uniform. If you can’t wear a uniform to an event, it’s not worth attending. Military uniform is appropriate just about anywhere, although the wife does object to me wearing it on holidays. I’ve told her that fatigues are suitable for anywhere, after all we’ve fought battles in the damn things, they should survive sunbaking on a beach with the grandchildren. Fussy woman, my wife. But as I say, military uniforms are almost always suitable. On those rare occasions when they’re not, House uniform is fine. Obviously that’s only for Vor, most proles no doubt have a suit that hopefully doesn’t make them look like a total town clown. And House blacks for funerals, or military uniform again. Useful things, uniforms. Saves a man from having to think. Although most Nexus diplomats don’t seem to have done any military service – I ask you, how can a man get enough experience to deal diplomatically with foreigners if he hasn’t spent time invading and shooting them? 

Women, of course, don’t wear uniforms. They have fluttery things, with lace and glittery stuff. There’s shops for that sort of thing. For some reason they need more than one dress – there’s some kind of rule about not wearing the same one too often. No idea why, I’ve worn the same uniform for years without a problem, except that it’s shrunk a bit lately. Quite tight around the middle it is, now. But women have to have new dresses with stunning frequency. And they expect a man to know when they’re wearing a new one – apparently they have to change the colour each time. Just tell them they look pretty and that they’ve done their hair nicely, and then change the subject. At least Barrayaran women usually wear a proper dress. The new Empress has started a fashion for those shocking Komarran pants. Honestly, you can see every jiggle and wiggle. Although I have to say, well built woman, the Empress. Nice padding, well distributed. Obviously the Emperor has a good eye for a fine figure of a woman. Not that you’d tell either of them that to their faces, of course.

And that’s another thing – speaking. Diplomats are supposed to do this for a living, but it’s surprising how often they say the wrong thing. Tried to have a conversation with some Nexus denizen the other day, made some perfectly harmless comment about the weather and he told me they don’t have weather where he comes from – it’s some space station at the bog-end of nowhere, apparently. He seemed to expect me to have heard of it. I told him that it must make a nice change to be on a decent planet with proper weather at last instead of some nasty little tin can, but he just muttered something and tramped off through the snow. You expect better from a diplomat, but those Nexus types have no tact. 

Just tell them to speak clearly, don’t interrupt the Emperor, and pick your topics carefully. It’s not a good idea to discuss our war with them when talking to Cetagandans. Or Escobarans, Or Komarrans. Honestly, it’s hard to find a safe topic with some people. And tell the Betans not to discuss sex in any way, shape or form. Totally obsessed, they are – they’ll just come right out and say things most people would never even think in the privacy of their own heads. Disgraceful. Tell them to avoid any discussion involving any body part or bodily function. Especially in mixed company. Women don’t need to know about such things. 

Well, that just about covers it. Oh, and tell then to learn the more obvious uniforms, some oink from Pol couldn’t tell the difference between a Count and an armsman the other day. I mean, seriously, all you have to do is look at the uniform, it’s glaringly obvious. They’d do well to learn the Counts colours too, after all there’s only sixty of them. And the rank markings on military uniforms. I’ll say one thing for them – most galactics learn to recognise Horus eyes pretty fast. But then everyone wants to recognise those ImpSec weasels, so they can avoid ‘em all. Doesn’t do to socialise with them, they like to try and catch a man out when he’s having a casual conversation. Fortunately for me I know how to be discreet.   
Just check this over, Markov, and we can issue it to those Nexus types who don’t know how to behave themselves in proper society. 

########################################

By the Order of Emperor Gregor Vorbarra

Protocol Briefing for Nexus visitors to Barrayar

In historical times Barrayaran banquets were vigorous and exciting occasions where traditional meals of farm-raised meat were served. However, although some traditions are maintained, Nexus visitors are assured that all meat now served at official diplomatic and social functions is vat meat and perfectly safe for consumption. If diners have special dietary requirements they are requested to contact the appropriate social secretary before the event. 

Formal Barrayaran meals are accompanied by traditional toasts. Although it is the accepted practice to drain the glass for each toast, visitors may take smaller sips for each toast if they prefer. Non-alcoholic beverages for this purpose are also available on request. 

Any guests who are feeling the effects of the alcohol may withdraw quietly to side rooms set aside for this purpose until they recover. If necessary, the servants will summon transport and assist the guest to leave quietly without embarrassment. 

Many formal functions will include dancing, and our Nexus visitors are welcome to participate. Barrayaran dances are usually male-female partner dances, some are complex but there are also some simple and easily-learned dances. Receptions involving non-Barrayaran personnel will also include some of the more common Nexus dances. 

Barrayaran clothing varies according to status and situation. Visitors are not expected to recognise all the subtle differences that show rank and status, but it will help Nexus visitors if they can recognise higher military ranks, and the significance of Vor House uniforms. Attendees at official functions are welcome to wear their traditional clothing, but some visitors may need to bear in mind that Barrayaran culture is traditionally conservative, and generally it is expected that most of the body will be clothed, apart from face, head and hands. Visitors are welcome to wear any cultural requirements such as clan identifications, jewellery or specific colours.

Discussions at diplomatic functions, and accepted topics, are similar to those in like situations in other parts of the Nexus. Many Barrayarans enjoy exploring the differences and similarities between their culture and those from other parts of the Nexus, although again our visitors are reminded that Barrayaran culture is still relatively conservative, and it is suggested that our visitors avoid more personal and intimate topics of discussion. Any brief misunderstandings can be resolved simply, through clear communication.

Barrayar welcomes our Nexus visitors, and is working to ensure that they have positive experiences when attending social and diplomatic functions, and when dealing with Barrayaran subjects in various formal and informal situations.

 

Rear-Admiral Stefan Vorlakial, Nexus protocol liaison officer


End file.
